Yom Kippur

9/27 4:50 am

Hey! This will be a quick post because life is really good. :D

Yesterday (today, for those of us still awake from the night) was Yom Kippur, and I B"H fasted pretty well. The davening in my shul was beyond beautiful, and I felt the tfilah deep in my heart.

You know which tfilah alway gets me? The Asarah Harugei Malchus. I think I cry every year. :'(

But anyway, I read the viduy in the back of my artscroll siddur whenever I had a free moment, and I feel like it really improved my davening.

Totty went to pick up Chaim from yeshiva today right after he broke his fast, Mommy ate here unstuffed cabbage from Erev Yom Kippur, and by the time Chaim and atotty got home, I had Macaroni ready.

Chaim made me his "award winning" recipe for macaroni and cheese (you don't want to know) and Totty took his own recipe.

Yeah, so this is what a slow news day looks like.

I think I have to go to sleep now. College tomorrow! :)

Gunfight, sleep tight, don't let the bedbugs bite!

Sarah Dina

4:56 am

Quick(ish) Post

9:35 PM 9/18/12

First of all, Happy 5773! 

Remember that old Country Yossi song (from his WANTED tape)? 

"In the year..." 

What was it again he said would happen in Tof Shin Ayin Gimmel? :D 

Anyway, this is going to be a quick post because I'm using the family computer because, major surprise, my computer died.

Well, way back in February, they told me it was in the process of dying, but i didn't really worry, and so here I am, no computer.

But, B"H, around Pesach time, I bought an iPad for my parents. Which I've since commandeered. They don't seem to mind much, since they're not exactly technologically inclined.

Looking over my posts from the past while, I realized that I didn't even mention the fact that I had the Lap-Band Surgery in February.

Yeah, so I had the Lap-Band surgery.

So far, I've lost about 30 lbs. I haven't lost so much recently because I haven't gone in for an adjustment for a while (long story... basically I'm not good with rescheduling when a doctor cancels on me... oops) and I'm kinda freaking out because my port area kind of hurts every once in a while. 

I need to call the doctor for an adjustment appointment, but I'm worried that he's going to tell me that my port moved out of place, and i'm going to need another surgery.

Oh, and another thing that is making me worry about that is the fact that I tried to get it adjusted by a doctor that was trained by him in the mountains, but he couldn't do it. So yeah, kinda nervous here.

Anyway, other than that, no real news... Besides for the fact that I'm not teaching this year anymore.

Yeah, they offered me another job, but I wanted to finish up my college ASAP. At this point I still need another two and a half years. 

Also, another new thing is that Chaim spent $1,400 in iTunes. I'm working on getting it back-

Wait, did she just say $1,400? That must be a typo. Nopes. He spent One Thousand, Four Hundred and Eight Dollars at my last calculation. 

How did that happen, you wonder? 

Well, he earned money this past summer from YouthCorps, and set up iTunes to take money from his card as opposed to my mothers, and then set up his card to warn him when he was down to $100 in his account. 

Good. Now the spending could start! He bought around $40 worth of in-app purchases a day, not realizing that somehow, his account was still linked to my mother's credit card. And so he kept spending, because he wasn't running his account low.

On Motzei Shabbos, my mother got a bill from the bank about an overdraft fee in one of her accounts (college tuition, don't worry, it's sorted), so logged into her account on the computer to see if anything else was happening. Boy was something happening!

She nearly blacked out. 

Thankfully, Chaim felt HORRIBLE. He was bawling about how sorry he was. (he's over 20 years old, btw)

I worked as a go-between and kept the two of them semi-calm.

I told my mother that this is a perfect opportunity to get him to get a job and settle down on something besides his computer, movies, games, and music. 

I told him that we can go through his DVDs and Games and put them up on Ebay to earn back some of the money. 

So far, minus the money he has left over from YouthCorps, he owes my mother $1,100. We're going over his DVDs tomorrow, and he's about to start looking for a job.

After all this was sorted out, I bought them both Ice Cream. :D

Oh, By the way, my father doesn't know any of this. 

Thankfully, he was away for shabbos. I say thankfully, because if he would have been present, we all would have been screaming and shouting and basically acting like the crazy family we haven't acted like for a really long time.

My mother is holding the "telling Totty" thing over Chaim's head though, in case he decides he doesn't want to get a job.

Life with an brother with aspergers is complicated. 

Oh, by the way, I'm currently dealing with iTunes to try to get some money back, and I think the woman I'm dealing with is actually going to help! :D BARUCH HA-SHEM!!!

but don't tell Chaim. Because if he knew, he may not want to get the job.

So yeah, I have to get back to working on sorting out the purchase numbers from his account. 

And do some of my homework for college. 

I'll scan in some for my next post hopefully.

Oh didn't I tell you?

I'm taking some art classes in college. 

anyway, i really have to go.

Sarah Dina

10:07 PM

Still alive, and abuse memories

4:21 am sep 14

So I just saw an old after-school special starring patty dukes and her real life son Sean Austin. (his first role)

It was called, don't hit me mom, and it was basically about Sean's babysitter realizing that his mother was abusing him. 

This episode was actually pretty poignant, because patty herself has admitted to abusing her son for real while she was in the throes of her mania (part of her manic-depressive illness.)

As I was watching the episode, I realized that I sympathized with patty's character more than the babysitter. 

I thought about it, and realized that it's actually because my mothers is a lot like that.

I posted a comment about that, and went on to see another, unrelated, after school special. 

However, I am now laying in bed awake because a lot of things that I'd forgotten have bubbled to the surface. 

I keep on hearing my mother screaming "you're crying?!? I'll give you a reason to cry!"

She would always do that when I was upset about something. She would say that what I was crying about was trivial and childish, and say that if I wanted a reason to cry, she'd give me one. And then she'd slap me. 

Here's the thing; I was a child, and so I was bothered by childish things. 

I've often wondered why I'm more mature than my peers. I just figured out that I had the immaturity smacked out of me. 

I remember one specific time when I was oversleeping (I did that often), and my mother screamed at me and yanked me out of bed by my hair. She claims that's she never did anything of the sort, but I even remember where she dragged me to.  It was the top of the stairs. She dragged me by my hair approximately 7 feet, and when she let me go, and I still wasn't standing up to show her I was awake, she kicked me. Again. And again. And again. 

My brother was also very physically abusive, but I know where he learned it from. 

I remember one specific time he was angry at me for something stupid like not knowing where one of his DVDs were, and I stupidly commented on it...

He ran across the room and pounced on me, choking me.  

I remember not being able to breath, but somehow getting a horse shout out, and my mother thankfully heard from downstairs. 

The craziest thing about it tho, is that I remember thinking "I could kick him and get him off me, but I don't want to hurt him"

Another time we had an issue was when he wanted to rewind a video we were watching and I wanted to fast forward. I reached over to press rewind for him on the VCR, but thinking that I was going to do fast forward, he grabbed my finger and snapped it back. 

It hurt so bad that I had to go to the doctor. 

Thankfully it hadn't been broken, only a pulled ligament. I had it in a splint for a week.

Another time he wanted to borrow my camera, and I was very protective of it. When I said he can't have it, he tackled me, and started punching me.

I remember going to school black and blue under my shirt. None of the teachers knew, because my face wasn't bruised. But I hurt so badly. Gosh I hurt. I remember thinking up reasons why I would have those bruises in case someone realized that I was tender there. 

But back to my mother...

I remember a lot of smacks. 

I remember having a raised outline of her hand on my arm from one of here smacks. It wasn't black and blue like in the movies,  but pink. Hardly darker than my skin. You'd have to look carefully to see it.

But either way, I wore a long sleeved shirt, so no one knew. 

I remember when I was having a hard time waking up one day (she was throwing a tantrum that I wasnt waking up, so I shut down. It was so much easier to pretend I was a robot who had turned off than react to her screaming)

But anyway, this time she decided to get me to react. She came into my room after hitting me a few times (I was still in bed.)

I had taken to looking at my keyboard that was leaning against my closet to stop from seeing or hearing her. 

But anyway, she realized that I was looking it it, so she grabbed it and threw it across the room. Shattering the base. 

I haven't really played much piano since. Not like I did before. 

But anyway, aftere she did that, she brought me an instant soup, and drove me to lakewood to spend time with my nieces and nephews to cheer me up. 

It worked, but  

I just don't understand why she did it.

The question that just entered my mind before I sat down to write this was "where we're all my siblings?" were they watching me get been up and not caring?

Or we're they on the receiving end too?

What about my father?

I know my mother claims he used to beat her, but I've never seen him lift a finger towards her. 

What if she hit him?

It's possible.

I really don't know. 

I really want to draw something right now to calm down. 

(I just heard my father cough downstairs. He's up early for slichos)

Anyway, my basic life update to come soon. 

But for now, yes, I am still alive. And apparently still a bit prone to getting upset. 

But I honestly was really good these last few months, which is why there have been no entries. 

Anyway, I'm going to sign off... If I remember anything else, I'll write it. It's been very cathartic to talk about this.

Goodnight,

Sara Dina 

4:51 am sept 14