Feeling Better

4/24
4:47 PM

So I said I would post again soon, and here I am.

I'm currently at work (after hours) waiting to go to college.

Unfortunately, my car completely broke down yesterday.

I went to the mechanic, and told him i thought there was something wrong with my battery, and so he checked it out.

He told me my battery was drained, and that I need a new one, which is $110. To which I thought "Ok, $110 I can afford.". He also said that I would eventually need a new A/C compressor (the cause of the weird noise and lack of air conditioning in my car, which would be over $500. I decided I'd push off the A/C compressor, because after all, I could live without an A/C.

Anyway, he comes back out a couple of minutes later, and told me that he put in a new battery, but it drained in record time, so there was something else wrong, and I would need a new Starter. Which would be $225. Bringing my eventual total up to $955. I was ready to faint.

A couple of minutes later, he comes out again and said that I wouldn't need a new starter, nor even a battery. I asked him jokingly, "I only need a new car, right?"

He said that the source of my issues was the A/C compressor, which was draining too much energy from my starter, and thus the battery. So my total was down to $550. There goes the iPad I wanted to buy for my parents! (which i decided against anyway, because it would only be a source of more conflict)

Anywho, I'm in a much better mood now, (thanks to the talk I had with my Therapist)

I am now setting boundaries between me and my mother. Instead of her asking me every second to do things, I am setting up a chore list, and dividing them. (Something I think she should have done since I was 3, but that's not the point)

Anywho, about today:

I gave my students a test today, which I told them 3 times about.

To my UTTER disbelief though, only two girls claimed to have heard of it. Even though just yesterday everyone was complaining to me about it.

Yeesh. I wish they could at least try!

Anyway, I'll see how all of them do, but I am still going to be counting the mark.

It just makes me feel so bad for them that they aren't trying. Because if they arent trying for a silly old science test, how can they try for the real things in life.

That's all for now!

Sarah Dina

5:01 PM

Cutting and crying

So apparently it shook me up more than i thought.

I cut myself five times on my leg, and had a long chat with Ruchi, in which SHE calmed me down. Our roles sure were switched!

Right now i'm calm, and pretty much back to my good old, cheerful, non-cutting self, but I spend 15 minutes bawling in the shower.

I'm really not ok.

It's just that I'm supposed to be the "normal" one in the family. I'm supposed to keep it all together. But all of a sudden, I'm walking around like a zombie, cutting myself (and enjoying it), and setting fire to a paper box.

Also, I talked to myself a bit.

Whatever. I need to go get a manicure tomorrow, also talk to a shadchan, without letting slip that my life is falling apart at the seams, and go to my therapist (i mentioned i go to a therapist, right?) and mention that i cut today.

I'm not supposed to be doing this.

And i know that if i mention it to Mommy, she's just going to blame Totty for it.

Even though he's the nice one here.

I mean, she spent all day today nagging me about doing things, while all i wanted was to calm down from the fact that i figured out that they're falling out. (did i not mention that they didn't tell me that he's sleeping downstairs?) My father came home, and we had a nice 5 minute chat about his day. Without me getting mad or yelling, (Which i did to my mother alot. I know, bad Sarah Dina).

It's just that my life is litterally falling apart and nothing i'm doing is keeping it together.

What else am i supposed to try?

I thought that i was fine with my parents splitting up, but i realized that the reason i havent been putting myself out there is to that they wont split up. After all, my mother kept saying a while ago that she's only staying around so that i can find a good guy.

But here's the thing. I don't want to drag some poor, unsuspecting guy into my family dysfunction. I want him to know what he's getting into.

Also, I'm tired.

I'm going to bed now...
I'll hopefully post again soon.

Goodnight.

Sarah Dina

1:35 AM

Im in a bit of a coma state

4/22/12
8:16 PM

So I haven't posted in a while because life was really good. I didn't really have much to talk about, besides for really good stuff...

But then thinks kinda fell apart. Or are falling apart. Or have been falling apart for a really long time and i've only just realized.

In short, my mother is making my father sleep in the basement.

I can't really even process it.

I spent most of my day sitting around watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer. The kicker? The first episode I watched was about the main character's heartbreaking breakup with her boyfriend.

I walked around like a zombie a bit, and set fire to a sodacan box in the basement sink. Yeah, I think I may kinda be a pyro-maniac.

So... More posts to come. Maybe even another one today. I just needed to get this whammo out there.

Well, the good part is, life can only get so bad till it has to get better, right?

Sara Dina

8:20 PM