Cutting and crying

So apparently it shook me up more than i thought.

I cut myself five times on my leg, and had a long chat with Ruchi, in which SHE calmed me down. Our roles sure were switched!

Right now i'm calm, and pretty much back to my good old, cheerful, non-cutting self, but I spend 15 minutes bawling in the shower.

I'm really not ok.

It's just that I'm supposed to be the "normal" one in the family. I'm supposed to keep it all together. But all of a sudden, I'm walking around like a zombie, cutting myself (and enjoying it), and setting fire to a paper box.

Also, I talked to myself a bit.

Whatever. I need to go get a manicure tomorrow, also talk to a shadchan, without letting slip that my life is falling apart at the seams, and go to my therapist (i mentioned i go to a therapist, right?) and mention that i cut today.

I'm not supposed to be doing this.

And i know that if i mention it to Mommy, she's just going to blame Totty for it.

Even though he's the nice one here.

I mean, she spent all day today nagging me about doing things, while all i wanted was to calm down from the fact that i figured out that they're falling out. (did i not mention that they didn't tell me that he's sleeping downstairs?) My father came home, and we had a nice 5 minute chat about his day. Without me getting mad or yelling, (Which i did to my mother alot. I know, bad Sarah Dina).

It's just that my life is litterally falling apart and nothing i'm doing is keeping it together.

What else am i supposed to try?

I thought that i was fine with my parents splitting up, but i realized that the reason i havent been putting myself out there is to that they wont split up. After all, my mother kept saying a while ago that she's only staying around so that i can find a good guy.

But here's the thing. I don't want to drag some poor, unsuspecting guy into my family dysfunction. I want him to know what he's getting into.

Also, I'm tired.

I'm going to bed now...
I'll hopefully post again soon.

Goodnight.

Sarah Dina

1:35 AM