Clothes, rain, shoes :D

10/28/12

12:23 PM

So I have a few minutes to jot something down, since two things that I had to do today were cancelled.

I was supposed to go on two separate trips to art museaums, but both of them were cancelled, due to the so-called "frankenstorm"

Frankenstorm? What?

Is it like, green with knobs on it's neck?

Ok, done with the fake ditziness... 

Great news:

I lost 40lbs!

I'm almost at my "50lbs, make a party" mark!

:D

I'm down around four sizes, to an 18. IM DOWN TO A SIZE LARGE

I never thought I'd see the day.

:D

anywhoos, I put almost everything I wanted from Chaim's 2Tb Hard drive onto my 1Tb Hard drive, and I was going good with size, but when I started converting all of my video files (wmv, avi, etc) to a format that can fit onto my iPad, (mp4), and all of a sudden I'm getting tight for space... Apparently the converter I'm using converts your files into bigger files when you say "conversion quality: same as original"

Yeah, whatever...

So now I'm trying to compress some of my files, but they're only compressing about 1% of the file. If it was originally 350Mb, it becomes 348.5Mb. I'm serious. 

I gotta search a way to compress more efficiently. 

yeah...

Oh, also I put on a whole bunch of comics... which I was hoping to read today during the 2 hours I was going to spend on the train, but nope, I'm just going to wait. :D

So since I lost a whole lot of weight, Mommy is letting me go on a shopping spree... the shoes I buy today are no limit prices, (after today will be a limit of $100)... now $100 may seem like a lot of money, but not when youre talking about two pairs of weekday shoes, one pair of shabbos shoes, and a pair of boots!

So I gotta finish up this entry and get shopping!

The clothes part will come up later... I will need to buy a whole new wardrobe... my old 2x clothes are making me look fat! :D

also, I seem to attract Mosquitos. 

They drive me nuts!

I currently have around 15 mosquito bites on my right leg alone. (three others spread across my body)

What is it that mosquitos find so appetizing about my blood? It's not like it's overly nutritious! 

So for a few minutes mommy and I thought that they might be Bedbug bites, but the fact that I saw a mosquito last night kinda clintched it for me. They're mosquito bites...

Anyway, I gotta go run and buy shoes before the rain starts.

Live long and prosper,

Sarah Dina

12:40 PM

Yom Kippur

9/27 4:50 am

Hey! This will be a quick post because life is really good. :D

Yesterday (today, for those of us still awake from the night) was Yom Kippur, and I B"H fasted pretty well. The davening in my shul was beyond beautiful, and I felt the tfilah deep in my heart.

You know which tfilah alway gets me? The Asarah Harugei Malchus. I think I cry every year. :'(

But anyway, I read the viduy in the back of my artscroll siddur whenever I had a free moment, and I feel like it really improved my davening.

Totty went to pick up Chaim from yeshiva today right after he broke his fast, Mommy ate here unstuffed cabbage from Erev Yom Kippur, and by the time Chaim and atotty got home, I had Macaroni ready.

Chaim made me his "award winning" recipe for macaroni and cheese (you don't want to know) and Totty took his own recipe.

Yeah, so this is what a slow news day looks like.

I think I have to go to sleep now. College tomorrow! :)

Gunfight, sleep tight, don't let the bedbugs bite!

Sarah Dina

4:56 am

Quick(ish) Post

9:35 PM 9/18/12

First of all, Happy 5773! 

Remember that old Country Yossi song (from his WANTED tape)? 

"In the year..." 

What was it again he said would happen in Tof Shin Ayin Gimmel? :D 

Anyway, this is going to be a quick post because I'm using the family computer because, major surprise, my computer died.

Well, way back in February, they told me it was in the process of dying, but i didn't really worry, and so here I am, no computer.

But, B"H, around Pesach time, I bought an iPad for my parents. Which I've since commandeered. They don't seem to mind much, since they're not exactly technologically inclined.

Looking over my posts from the past while, I realized that I didn't even mention the fact that I had the Lap-Band Surgery in February.

Yeah, so I had the Lap-Band surgery.

So far, I've lost about 30 lbs. I haven't lost so much recently because I haven't gone in for an adjustment for a while (long story... basically I'm not good with rescheduling when a doctor cancels on me... oops) and I'm kinda freaking out because my port area kind of hurts every once in a while. 

I need to call the doctor for an adjustment appointment, but I'm worried that he's going to tell me that my port moved out of place, and i'm going to need another surgery.

Oh, and another thing that is making me worry about that is the fact that I tried to get it adjusted by a doctor that was trained by him in the mountains, but he couldn't do it. So yeah, kinda nervous here.

Anyway, other than that, no real news... Besides for the fact that I'm not teaching this year anymore.

Yeah, they offered me another job, but I wanted to finish up my college ASAP. At this point I still need another two and a half years. 

Also, another new thing is that Chaim spent $1,400 in iTunes. I'm working on getting it back-

Wait, did she just say $1,400? That must be a typo. Nopes. He spent One Thousand, Four Hundred and Eight Dollars at my last calculation. 

How did that happen, you wonder? 

Well, he earned money this past summer from YouthCorps, and set up iTunes to take money from his card as opposed to my mothers, and then set up his card to warn him when he was down to $100 in his account. 

Good. Now the spending could start! He bought around $40 worth of in-app purchases a day, not realizing that somehow, his account was still linked to my mother's credit card. And so he kept spending, because he wasn't running his account low.

On Motzei Shabbos, my mother got a bill from the bank about an overdraft fee in one of her accounts (college tuition, don't worry, it's sorted), so logged into her account on the computer to see if anything else was happening. Boy was something happening!

She nearly blacked out. 

Thankfully, Chaim felt HORRIBLE. He was bawling about how sorry he was. (he's over 20 years old, btw)

I worked as a go-between and kept the two of them semi-calm.

I told my mother that this is a perfect opportunity to get him to get a job and settle down on something besides his computer, movies, games, and music. 

I told him that we can go through his DVDs and Games and put them up on Ebay to earn back some of the money. 

So far, minus the money he has left over from YouthCorps, he owes my mother $1,100. We're going over his DVDs tomorrow, and he's about to start looking for a job.

After all this was sorted out, I bought them both Ice Cream. :D

Oh, By the way, my father doesn't know any of this. 

Thankfully, he was away for shabbos. I say thankfully, because if he would have been present, we all would have been screaming and shouting and basically acting like the crazy family we haven't acted like for a really long time.

My mother is holding the "telling Totty" thing over Chaim's head though, in case he decides he doesn't want to get a job.

Life with an brother with aspergers is complicated. 

Oh, by the way, I'm currently dealing with iTunes to try to get some money back, and I think the woman I'm dealing with is actually going to help! :D BARUCH HA-SHEM!!!

but don't tell Chaim. Because if he knew, he may not want to get the job.

So yeah, I have to get back to working on sorting out the purchase numbers from his account. 

And do some of my homework for college. 

I'll scan in some for my next post hopefully.

Oh didn't I tell you?

I'm taking some art classes in college. 

anyway, i really have to go.

Sarah Dina

10:07 PM

Still alive, and abuse memories

4:21 am sep 14

So I just saw an old after-school special starring patty dukes and her real life son Sean Austin. (his first role)

It was called, don't hit me mom, and it was basically about Sean's babysitter realizing that his mother was abusing him. 

This episode was actually pretty poignant, because patty herself has admitted to abusing her son for real while she was in the throes of her mania (part of her manic-depressive illness.)

As I was watching the episode, I realized that I sympathized with patty's character more than the babysitter. 

I thought about it, and realized that it's actually because my mothers is a lot like that.

I posted a comment about that, and went on to see another, unrelated, after school special. 

However, I am now laying in bed awake because a lot of things that I'd forgotten have bubbled to the surface. 

I keep on hearing my mother screaming "you're crying?!? I'll give you a reason to cry!"

She would always do that when I was upset about something. She would say that what I was crying about was trivial and childish, and say that if I wanted a reason to cry, she'd give me one. And then she'd slap me. 

Here's the thing; I was a child, and so I was bothered by childish things. 

I've often wondered why I'm more mature than my peers. I just figured out that I had the immaturity smacked out of me. 

I remember one specific time when I was oversleeping (I did that often), and my mother screamed at me and yanked me out of bed by my hair. She claims that's she never did anything of the sort, but I even remember where she dragged me to.  It was the top of the stairs. She dragged me by my hair approximately 7 feet, and when she let me go, and I still wasn't standing up to show her I was awake, she kicked me. Again. And again. And again. 

My brother was also very physically abusive, but I know where he learned it from. 

I remember one specific time he was angry at me for something stupid like not knowing where one of his DVDs were, and I stupidly commented on it...

He ran across the room and pounced on me, choking me.  

I remember not being able to breath, but somehow getting a horse shout out, and my mother thankfully heard from downstairs. 

The craziest thing about it tho, is that I remember thinking "I could kick him and get him off me, but I don't want to hurt him"

Another time we had an issue was when he wanted to rewind a video we were watching and I wanted to fast forward. I reached over to press rewind for him on the VCR, but thinking that I was going to do fast forward, he grabbed my finger and snapped it back. 

It hurt so bad that I had to go to the doctor. 

Thankfully it hadn't been broken, only a pulled ligament. I had it in a splint for a week.

Another time he wanted to borrow my camera, and I was very protective of it. When I said he can't have it, he tackled me, and started punching me.

I remember going to school black and blue under my shirt. None of the teachers knew, because my face wasn't bruised. But I hurt so badly. Gosh I hurt. I remember thinking up reasons why I would have those bruises in case someone realized that I was tender there. 

But back to my mother...

I remember a lot of smacks. 

I remember having a raised outline of her hand on my arm from one of here smacks. It wasn't black and blue like in the movies,  but pink. Hardly darker than my skin. You'd have to look carefully to see it.

But either way, I wore a long sleeved shirt, so no one knew. 

I remember when I was having a hard time waking up one day (she was throwing a tantrum that I wasnt waking up, so I shut down. It was so much easier to pretend I was a robot who had turned off than react to her screaming)

But anyway, this time she decided to get me to react. She came into my room after hitting me a few times (I was still in bed.)

I had taken to looking at my keyboard that was leaning against my closet to stop from seeing or hearing her. 

But anyway, she realized that I was looking it it, so she grabbed it and threw it across the room. Shattering the base. 

I haven't really played much piano since. Not like I did before. 

But anyway, aftere she did that, she brought me an instant soup, and drove me to lakewood to spend time with my nieces and nephews to cheer me up. 

It worked, but  

I just don't understand why she did it.

The question that just entered my mind before I sat down to write this was "where we're all my siblings?" were they watching me get been up and not caring?

Or we're they on the receiving end too?

What about my father?

I know my mother claims he used to beat her, but I've never seen him lift a finger towards her. 

What if she hit him?

It's possible.

I really don't know. 

I really want to draw something right now to calm down. 

(I just heard my father cough downstairs. He's up early for slichos)

Anyway, my basic life update to come soon. 

But for now, yes, I am still alive. And apparently still a bit prone to getting upset. 

But I honestly was really good these last few months, which is why there have been no entries. 

Anyway, I'm going to sign off... If I remember anything else, I'll write it. It's been very cathartic to talk about this.

Goodnight,

Sara Dina 

4:51 am sept 14

Feeling Better

4/24
4:47 PM

So I said I would post again soon, and here I am.

I'm currently at work (after hours) waiting to go to college.

Unfortunately, my car completely broke down yesterday.

I went to the mechanic, and told him i thought there was something wrong with my battery, and so he checked it out.

He told me my battery was drained, and that I need a new one, which is $110. To which I thought "Ok, $110 I can afford.". He also said that I would eventually need a new A/C compressor (the cause of the weird noise and lack of air conditioning in my car, which would be over $500. I decided I'd push off the A/C compressor, because after all, I could live without an A/C.

Anyway, he comes back out a couple of minutes later, and told me that he put in a new battery, but it drained in record time, so there was something else wrong, and I would need a new Starter. Which would be $225. Bringing my eventual total up to $955. I was ready to faint.

A couple of minutes later, he comes out again and said that I wouldn't need a new starter, nor even a battery. I asked him jokingly, "I only need a new car, right?"

He said that the source of my issues was the A/C compressor, which was draining too much energy from my starter, and thus the battery. So my total was down to $550. There goes the iPad I wanted to buy for my parents! (which i decided against anyway, because it would only be a source of more conflict)

Anywho, I'm in a much better mood now, (thanks to the talk I had with my Therapist)

I am now setting boundaries between me and my mother. Instead of her asking me every second to do things, I am setting up a chore list, and dividing them. (Something I think she should have done since I was 3, but that's not the point)

Anywho, about today:

I gave my students a test today, which I told them 3 times about.

To my UTTER disbelief though, only two girls claimed to have heard of it. Even though just yesterday everyone was complaining to me about it.

Yeesh. I wish they could at least try!

Anyway, I'll see how all of them do, but I am still going to be counting the mark.

It just makes me feel so bad for them that they aren't trying. Because if they arent trying for a silly old science test, how can they try for the real things in life.

That's all for now!

Sarah Dina

5:01 PM

Cutting and crying

So apparently it shook me up more than i thought.

I cut myself five times on my leg, and had a long chat with Ruchi, in which SHE calmed me down. Our roles sure were switched!

Right now i'm calm, and pretty much back to my good old, cheerful, non-cutting self, but I spend 15 minutes bawling in the shower.

I'm really not ok.

It's just that I'm supposed to be the "normal" one in the family. I'm supposed to keep it all together. But all of a sudden, I'm walking around like a zombie, cutting myself (and enjoying it), and setting fire to a paper box.

Also, I talked to myself a bit.

Whatever. I need to go get a manicure tomorrow, also talk to a shadchan, without letting slip that my life is falling apart at the seams, and go to my therapist (i mentioned i go to a therapist, right?) and mention that i cut today.

I'm not supposed to be doing this.

And i know that if i mention it to Mommy, she's just going to blame Totty for it.

Even though he's the nice one here.

I mean, she spent all day today nagging me about doing things, while all i wanted was to calm down from the fact that i figured out that they're falling out. (did i not mention that they didn't tell me that he's sleeping downstairs?) My father came home, and we had a nice 5 minute chat about his day. Without me getting mad or yelling, (Which i did to my mother alot. I know, bad Sarah Dina).

It's just that my life is litterally falling apart and nothing i'm doing is keeping it together.

What else am i supposed to try?

I thought that i was fine with my parents splitting up, but i realized that the reason i havent been putting myself out there is to that they wont split up. After all, my mother kept saying a while ago that she's only staying around so that i can find a good guy.

But here's the thing. I don't want to drag some poor, unsuspecting guy into my family dysfunction. I want him to know what he's getting into.

Also, I'm tired.

I'm going to bed now...
I'll hopefully post again soon.

Goodnight.

Sarah Dina

1:35 AM

Im in a bit of a coma state

4/22/12
8:16 PM

So I haven't posted in a while because life was really good. I didn't really have much to talk about, besides for really good stuff...

But then thinks kinda fell apart. Or are falling apart. Or have been falling apart for a really long time and i've only just realized.

In short, my mother is making my father sleep in the basement.

I can't really even process it.

I spent most of my day sitting around watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer. The kicker? The first episode I watched was about the main character's heartbreaking breakup with her boyfriend.

I walked around like a zombie a bit, and set fire to a sodacan box in the basement sink. Yeah, I think I may kinda be a pyro-maniac.

So... More posts to come. Maybe even another one today. I just needed to get this whammo out there.

Well, the good part is, life can only get so bad till it has to get better, right?

Sara Dina

8:20 PM